Saga of a 'Runaway Idiot'

Remember Jennifer Wilbanks, the Runaway Bride, AKA something awful's missing white girl of the month?. After getting paid half a million dollars to write a book about her magical journey, details are starting to appear about the whole sorry trip. What caused her to do all this you might be asking. Was it cold-feat, second thoughts, a torrid live affair? Nope. It turns out she is one stupid fucking whore.

Recently, investigation reports of her FBI interrogation have become public. "The reports portrayed the 32-year-old nurse as a naive woman whose mother did her banking for her." Right on, nothing weird there. But what made her decide to fake her own kidnapping?

Quoth the AP Report-

Agents said in the report that Wilbanks "was scared to marry (fiance) John Mason because she is afraid of an imperfect world. Wilbanks stated that she could not be the wife that her fiance John Mason needed. Wilbanks wanted to disappear without a trace."

The report from Georgia investigators said she broke off an earlier engagement to another man, and — even though she had been in a relationship with Mason since August 2004 — she kept "I love you" text messages on her cell phone from another man she dated in 2003.

Sounds like a mature, decisive, well-rounded individual to me. With reaons like that, I bet she had one sure-fire master plan for escaping.

Wilbanks originally wanted to flee to Austin after seeing McConaughey on TV, the FBI report said. After doing research on the Internet, she "thought it looked like a nice place to visit because of Austin's ranches and national parks," the report said.

This is why women shouldn't vote. Just kidding. Seriously, what kind of plan is that? I've never seen any ranches and national parks in Austin and a couple of times when I visited Austin I wasn't even stoned. That why real estate is so expensive in Austin, there must be a big ol' national park somewhere right in the fucking middle of it. Stupid cunt.

Because her mother did her banking for her, Wilbanks scraped together a little more than $240 for her journey in a various ways, the report said.

Thats where I want to be at 32. But I digress....

"Wilbanks realized during her travel on Greyhound that the Greyhound bus traveled to really rough areas for their bus stations," the FBI agents wrote.

After eating a meal during a stop in Dallas, she felt safer to be on the bus, the report said. She had no lodging arrangements in Austin and "was scared it may stop in a bad area," the report said, so she spent $107 of her money to continue on to Las Vegas.

That makes since. Austin is a little too seedy, better head to Vegas. Come of clean living and good people.

She tried to get a room at three different hotels near the bus station in Las Vegas but they were all too expensive.

She told investigators that she then remembered a street full of hotels in Albuquerque, a city the bus had passed through on the way to Las Vegas. With only about $80 left, she bought a $76 ticket to Albuquerque.

OK. I realize homegirl is stupid, but what the fuck?!? My two year old cousins are smarter than that. I realize mommy has done the banking for the last 3 decades, but are really that fucking retarded? Unless your rich as fuck I'm starting to lose my sympathy for whatever asswipe thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.

Lets walk through this a little. You get to Vegas, and try the three hotels closest to the bus station are too expensive. Well they don't need to be that competitive next to a bus station. What are you gonna do, drive across town to the Holiday Inn? You took da' bus, you take what you get.

So what now for our bold heroine? Well, she told investigators she remembered a whole "street full" of hotels in Albuquerqu. Albuquerque, New Mexico. Why not go to New Mexico when you've already checked out all three hotels in Las Vegas? The rest of Nevada doesn't have any hotels anyway, they're Mormons.

So Sacagawea here decides it makes more sense to take a bus to another state rather than walk down the street and find another hotel. Never mind you have to spend $76 of the remaining $80 you have left. Albuquerque is in New Mexico. You can get a shitload of pesos for $4.

Wilbanks arrived the next day. She asked a taxi driver to take her to a hotel where she had a travel coupon advertising rooms for $19.99. However, she only had enough money to pay for a taxi ride for part of the way. Out of money, she finally called her fiance collect.

You know what, maybe it is better your mother does your banking for you. Even at 32. A lot of people have blamed poor Jennifer for all the time and money wasted looking for her. I don't. I blame the fiancee and parents. They knew this bitch wasn't worth looking for.